Square Dancing with Giants

October 20, 2012

10/19/12

The nurse turned to me and asked, “Are you depressed?” The sheer size of the laugh I offered her as response shocked the both of us. I apologized immediately. Said, yeah. I’m a pretty cynical guy. Sad a lot of the time. By the time the appointment’s over, she looks into my eyes like they’re her favorite novel and says, I feel so bad for you. So smart. You over-analyze everything. Can’t just…enjoy life. Her words landed cold, hard, heavy. Perfect sinker. A bag full of quarters right to the gut. When I offered, politely, that she too was quite brilliant, that she was in fact one of the more knowledgeable medical professionals I had ever met, she shrugged me off. Talked to me about SATs. I did my best to rebut softly, but ultimately decided that this wasn’t that kind of moment. Plus, I was still stuck on how quickly she’d read me. The sad, introspective artist. Was that my identity now? Some porous motif? Granted, Ainsley (my therapist) had come to the same conclusion pretty quickly as well. He says that I see into the inner workings of things. Recognize contradictions and then wrestle with them. The biggest one, for both of us, is this love business. Being loved by strangers but never by those who get a really good look at you. To want most what seems utterly unreachable. Cruel heart. Cruel, cruel heart.

Seeing “Perks of Being a Wallflower” with the rest of the pack was pretty amazing. There are no words for how much I cherish my friends. We laughed harder than I have laughed in a long time. Even screamed at the screen, chiding the protagonist for his zeal. We remember when we used to love like him. Back in college, even high school. Making mix-tapes for our crushes. Writing poems, letters. We’d never do that now. Well, at least not do it and tell each other about it. I get a pass, of course. This is my career after all. I’m a professional professor of adoration. I love for a living, in some ways. Not just people, but places, moments. Without this love inside me, humming like a choir in a cage, my pen would go dry. These ideas, little more than ash for the wind’s whims.

Anyway, the movie was thoroughly enjoyable. Great soundtrack. Characters worth investing in. Beautifully uneven writing.

By night’s end, we agreed to go on a cruise. Just the homies and the sea. Either that or a road trip to Miami. Dave offered that Miami would be wasted on us. We’ve got to get our cool up first. Or at least all have girlfriends. Or something.

So…that’s the plan. A collective effort to chart a path out of this lonely. Hope beyond hope that autumn works its legendary alchemy and makes us young again.

1:05am | URL: http://tmblr.co/ZLQR3yVd58xE

(Notes: 108)